in hating memoir.

Depression. For fucks sake, one will encounter numerous periods of self-pity and mortification throughout his life, totally normal, and entirely human of nature. But the worst part of it is knowing that its just a phase, yet not doing anything to pick ourselves up. Because we love the occasional downfall. Because we love to indulge in our own sorrows, ironically amplified by the joy of others who are most dear and closest to us. Readers, be forewarned. This post is totally pointless. Even more pointless than my previous ones. So do go away if you couldn’t care less to waste your time gaining absolutely nothing by reading this.

So here i am, scribbling random thoughts accompanied by “i-feel-like-ripping-your-head-off” music. Nothing much, just plain boredness and a pinch of anger made me write this. Ok so lets see. I hate everyone. LOL. I pity myself. Alot. So much to the point that i despise myself and deny my very own existence. I avoid having company because i don’t see myself to be of any significance worth enough to be within the vicinity of others. Yes, i am ashamed of myself for being nothing that my expectations have made me. Aspirations are nothing but imaginary shadows of ourselves in a dark room, made up to deny our true selves, nothing but a dark figure blindly searching for a way out. For when there is a shadow, there is light. And when there is light, there is the personification of hope. Screw hope. Hope makes us ignorant. It blocks our eyes from the view of this mad, cruel world around us. They say not to believe in fate, that our lives are how we shape it out to be. But if one doesn’t believe in fate, then one should be ashamed for claiming that there is a hope. They say that we have tried our best and there is always hope. But what can we do to manipulate our chances and make our hopes come true? We only use the word “hope” when we lose complete control on the outcomes of our own exploits. And if we can’t alter anything already, isn’t that relying on fate? Fuck you. I curse and despise every human being for being the complex creatures we are. Humans run their mouth oh-so-willingly and speak words of wisdom they themselves breach and defy at some point in their lives. Its funny how words can alter one’s perception, either for the good or the bad. But denial of a hope and refusal of transitions towards a more positive mind set have left me searching for flaws in every self-comfort points leaving myself with nothing but fucked-up preaches of hypocrisy.

I’m tired of watching people succeed. These people are the most important people in my lives. I’m not jealous in any way, and I feel nothing but happiness and joy for what they have achieved and yet to be achieve. I want nothing but the best for them, but then everything seems to conveniently fall apart, little by little, piece by piece in my case. And who do i have to blame for it? AHAHA. ME. O yeah. Stupid little me. None of this is not my fault. I was ignorant. I was lazy. And i have no one to blame but me =).

So tis’ the season to be moody and contemplate my failures. I must admit that i enjoy basking in my pitiful sorrows and do nothing of it because i’m fucking tired of making a change. I’m tired of studying. i’m tired of working hard. I’m tired of trying to be who i thought i was meant to be. I’m tired of hopping and hoping for hope to come hopping at my doorsteps with dope. And for all of this of course, like i said, is just a phase. Or maybe its just because i’m just overly overdosed with caffeine which was initially intended to fuel myself towards self –improvement and not self-bigotry. So for those personally close to me, there’s no need to push the panic button just yet, this does not qualify as a well-written suicide note for my incredibly high, imaginary double-standards. i'm a narcissist mind you, and i believe that the ideal world is populated only by duplicates of me,myself, and I. Fuck thoughts and emotions. I am the epitome of despair in my own world. Yes, there are many others who are suffering or have suffered even worse situations than me. That’s why i used “in my own world” you bastard, before you start comparing your sad story with mine to claim the prize of being the biggest loser. So yeah, once again, fuck thoughts and emotions. I’d do better being a farm cow chewing on grass and have my breasts milked for life.


P.S : “sting like a bee, be humble like a dukha!”